I see it’s
been 4-5 weeks since I have last posted. What can I say it’s been a trying and
tough few weeks.
I have
worked a lot with my therapist on the issues that came up during “my
discoveries”, and like my last post, I did not go it alone. As I said in my
discovery post, I now know one of the first, if not the very first time I
fractured into an alter state and what caused it. I have been spending time
working on that and like any great journey there have been times when I found
it a tough slog.
I have found
it harder to keep up my normal activities like dragon boating and golf, and
found that they took more out of me then they normally do. I found it harder to
read, keep up conversations, and I have been forgetting to do stuff and all the other challenges that come up
when I am not fully functioning. This is no different from every other time I have
had issues I had to deal with. The difference is that this one has taken me so
much longer to work through.
My therapist mentioned that it seemed to take me
longer to get back into the swing of things from other times I was in the
hospital. This is true. I told her that because it was one of the first times I
split it reaches right back to the very core of me.
It’s like when you hit a
cymbal, you may no longer hear the sound but the vibrations resonate for a much
longer time and you can feel it. This has resonated right through me and every
one of my persona's. And it is also the story of my oldest persona-(meaning this
one has been with me the longest) - so she has waited the longest to have her
story told, and it’s a very ugly story. But the work has been worth it.
When I finish
working on issues I have more energy than I had previously, and fewer PTSD
symptoms etc. It’s kind of like when your computer is overloaded and running
slow and it’s got all different programs running in the background and it’s just
not working as well or efficiently as it was or could. When I work on my
issues, it’s like someone has come and worked on the computer, de-fragged and
scanned it and put in a much more effective and efficient operating system.
This frees up more RAM and space on the hard drive. It takes less effort to run
the programs….I guess I am feeling like that.
This past
weekend I took two writing workshops at a readers and writers’ festival. The one on Friday was with Mark Leiren Young-“Tell
Your Story”, and Nikki Tate, “Creating a Good Kid Character”. These were two
amazing workshops and man what can I say. It was an amazing experience to be in
a room where each person had an amazing story to tell, and my muse was and
continues to work overtime. It was also great confirmation that what I am doing
is on the right track.
It reminds me of the times when I was working with kids
and I would go to an early childhood educators conference, and it would be re-affirmed
that what I was doing with the kids- which I was working more intuitively then
anything- was on the right track. These workshops showed me that what I am
writing and the presentations I am doing are on the right track. I will never
be famous or rich but I now know that yes, I am changing the world for the
better one bit at a time.
There were
many wonderful workshops, readings and panel discussions and I wanted to take
more but I knew with my condition I needed to test the waters and not overdo
it. So what does having to do all the work have to do with this?
Let me tell
you…..
Taking those
two workshops has got the creative juices going and I have been writing like
crazy, and when I’m not writing I am thinking about things to write and composing
in my head, and have had tons of ideas come up. I was so excited that on Friday
night I did not get to sleep until 3:30 and had to get up at 6:30 to get myself
going to get to the next morning workshop. It was and continues to be an
amazing experience.
I have never experienced anything like this before. In
fact, I have to take care not to drink too much caffeine, remember to eat and
ground myself. It’s like the writer in me that was squashed so many years ago
has been set free and wants to do it all now. I now realize, she was not
squashed, she just hid away until it was safe to come out, and she had the room
to do so.
She-(I)- has
the room because I have defragged and have more space on my hard drive. My
system is operating more efficiently and this is indeed a wonderful feeling.
Now I know what writers and other artists mean when they say ideas just come to
them. This is just so amazing. As my
friend said to me today when I was telling her about the workshops and how much
writing I have done and how inspired I am etc..she said..” you were ready for
this.”
Yes, I was
ready and I had freed up the space to do so.
I guess that’s
it for now, I’m getting tired and I still have stuff to do as my son and I are
going camping tomorrow for 4 days. I am looking forward to it and imagine I
will continue to write during that time. It will be nice to get away from it
all- (that’s not just in my head ;)- and be away from the phone and
responsibilities. I have a feeling this is going to be a much different camping
trip then any I have had, and have a feeling I will be talking about it in my
next blog.
I guess that’s
it for now, until then
Happy defragging
Be well
Suzy
